Those Stairs at Bakakeng

And because you came from the spiral of the night no sleep for the 32nd day in the morning you decided to walk. This was before breakfast the youngest child came with you and pranced and pranced around you as you walked over wet concrete under wet pine pine cones guiding your feet like pebbles in the deep deep forest of your soul. And because no one knows about the shadows but yourself you pretended that everything was okay you held his hand and danced with him your feet crushed dried leaves and their sound led you to the stairs. And you stood there enthralled by every step that led to nowhere your heart wrapped in silence you turned behind you and the child was gone. This is it you know this is it these stairs this last walk was the only thing that separated you from what goes beyond. You took the first step and the second you believe you still believe that perhaps at the top you will find yourself but you reached the top and you looked below at all the paths you’ve taken and everything you’ve ever done and all you got was the thing you most feared of that none of these is going to save you. That none of these is going to save you. And so you sat down because that is the only thing you can do now you sat down you sat down you let the stairs devour you and you reached down your pocket for your phone. It was early in the morning before breakfast and you called your dad you heard it rang on the other side he said hello and at that moment the words jumped of your mouth they jumped they jumped jump! jump! jump! Pa, agko la kaya and you let out the most silent cry ever heard.

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