Data–Sierra Madre Ext.–Sierra Madre–Onyx–Ruby–Velasco–Aglibut–Cuzner–Freedom Park–Juliano–Roxas–Pancho Back: Freedom Park–Cuzner–CAS–CEM–Velasco–Ruby–Data

Dear J,

Feeling drowsy on this particular walk. A cold spell has struck LB and with it all sorts of possibilities of disease.

The common cold finally got a hold of me—perhaps because of lack of sleep two nights in a row.

Been under medication for two days now and feeling drowsy as hell. Perhaps, this is good in some sense. Because I always struggle to sleep.

I envy people who love sleep and sleep fast and stay asleep longer.

Not even a two-month spell of chronic insomnia back in 2011—unbeknownst to me already a symptom of a major depressive episode—could convince me to get better at it. I’m pretty sure a big reason for my suicidal ideations during that difficult time was caused by that interminable insomnia.

During those two months I couldn’t get more than two hours a day of sleep. I tried all sorts of cure: First, I drank milk. Then, I sang the songs we sang at the Kingdom Hall. When none of those worked, I blew my disguise and confessed to an elder at the congregation that I was watching porn and was an onanist. He asked how many people were in the videos. I lied and said, just two. He said my problem was common and that he, too, struggled with this when he was young.

I wish I’ve seen Fight Club before any of these happened.

Writing this now overwhelms me. Sorry. I have to stop.